For He Has Heard My Cry For Mercy.

I am loved. I am cared for. 

Children are much more complicated then we imagine them to be. Especially ones who have been through many caregivers (not all of them optimal), moved around too much, and without a parents consistent love. These are the precious jewels who often need an extra hug and kiss, even when it seems that all they want to do is kick and scream.

I've tried to make it very clear to my Little Bear even before we left for our country adventure, that I was NOT leaving him and that we would always be together. However, as the trip loomed closer he started acting out more. I continued to remind him "I am not leaving you baby, we are going together, we will always be together" even when it didn't seem like he needed to hear it, I knew his heart was having a hard time sorting everything out. Change has always meant his caregivers and sense of security being ruptured, change rarely meant something positive.

We've been here only a few days and I've only left him to spend a few hours twice with his birth mother and assured him over and over again I would be back to get him later. Even when I was working from home downstairs this week he would ask intermittently throughout the day "Where is my Mommy?" and want to come see me and show me something or get a snuggle. At Thanksgiving surrounded by family, his cousin and best friend, but also a lot of strangers he would start panicking and looking around asking Nana "Where is my Mommy?" until she would bring him to me for a hug and kiss. When I see this I am sad for his tender heart, but also joyful to see some secure attachment is slowly forming.

Today was no different, but it made this Momma weep. I went to run errands for a few hours and take a Mommy break, I returned and he was perfectly fine until it was time for bed. Usually he has a big fuss about it being bed time, but this time was different. He was fighting me even putting on his pajamas until finally with his shirt half off I just put him in time out on the steps to calm down. This always works, he usually calms right down after a few minutes and we finish our bed time routine. Not today. Today he was screaming through gritted teeth for what felt like forever and as I calmed down (Momma's get angry too) I could feel Jesus whispering in my ear "This is not your baby. This is not like him. He needs to be loved. Go to him. Love Harder". So I ever so slowly went to sit by him, he just looked over at me and kept on crying and screaming through gritted teeth but didn't hit, just looked so sadly at me. I pulled him onto my lap and wrapped my arms all around his little body and rocked from side to side whispering "Shhhhhh. Calm down baby. It's ok. Shhhhhh...". It took a good 5 minutes of this for him to relax in my arms, I saw his eye lids getting heavy, his screams softening until they were merely a breath. The last thing I said to him before he nodded off to sleep in my arms with tears streaming down my face was "Momma's never going to leave you baby. We'll always be together". 

For those of you who still think I'm 'crazy' for moving with my baby to the south for the winter so he can spend his custody days with his birth mother, now you see why. Why a tender little boy needs a consistent Momma as well as time with his birth Mommy, and why sometimes we do things we didn't think we wanted to do but God gives us the strength and heart to do them anyway.

I never imagined I would actually ENJOY this week of co-sleeping. And how tender it's been for this little love to be able to find me with his precious hands in the night, snuggle up close when he's cold, and wake up with a 'good morning' kiss and hug for me. I laugh every time I get in bed with these two cuddle bugs. Half because of how crazy it is and half because I am ridiculous for loving it!

xoxo

Belle-Mére

Moving to the Country. A Call to Love.

If you look and listen closely. You know that love can be a tricky one. We think it is that sweet little emotion we get when our husbands snuggle and kiss us us or when our kids smile at us and say something hilarious on a cloudy day like "the monkey will fly up and get the sun and bring it back for us!" We sit in this idea that this is what love is, this is what we seek and live for each day, that fun feeling! But sadly, we are so very wrong. And what makes it even harder, is that God continues to call us to love those who hate us. To love when we don't 'feel' like it. And to love 'the least of these'. This is when I get uncomfortable. Its so easy to love My Marine when he is being sweet and snuggly...but its a lot harder when he's driving me absolutely crazy and we just got in a big argument and I want to punch him in the face. It's even hard to love a Little Buddy when it's only 9:00am and we've already had 3 tantrums, bouts of time out, and he just peed his pants on the way OUT THE DOOR to daycare. (twice this week. TWICE). Sorry, don't really feel like loving at those times. I feel like yelling and throwing something at the wall and calling quits on this whole thing. 

But here we are. God has called me to be an above average Bellé-Mere to a 3 year old and wife to a big and tough deployed Marine. Love had better be my middle name. 

So it is in this spirit of love we knew in our hearts what was best for a Little Buddy. My Marine knew from the moment we found out about the deployment, but his attempts at convincing this city girl of the worthwhile in serving a Little Buddy were thrown by the wayside. I am a city girl. And not just any city girl, but a beach side city girl. Even with a Little Buddy I am still a busy little social Bellé-Mere. There was no way I was moving myself to a tiny town in Mississippi for 4 months for a 3 year old who probably wouldn't even remember it. But here we are. God continued to whisper in my ear. Love harder. Love more. Oh you thought that was loving? MORE. I tried to stamp my feet and drag them along screaming "no! no! no!" (whose the 3 year old now?) but he just kept nudging my heart. Love harder. And the great thing about God, is that when you pray and ask for wisdom and perspective he literally CHANGES your heart. Softens and molds it to be able to see things the way He does. 

During this winter custody time, this city SoCal girl will be with Little Buddy staying with My Marine's family in a tiny town in Mississippi. In a house off a dirt road. Surrounded by acres of fields and woods. With horses down the way. And a Baby Mama in town who gets to spend time with her son on the weekends. And He has changed this heart from a crying toddler having a tantrum refusing to go, to a heart excited for the adventure that awaits. For this opportunity to love harder. To be challenged in finding a new community and new ways of doing things. 

Oddly enough, my stress level has gone somewhat down since we made the decision. I have a lot to arrange for the flight with him and my dog, plus selling my car before I go, plus a possible work trip for 2 weeks right before I fly out. But my heart no longer dies when I am snuggling and tickling a Little Buddy and the dread of having to say good-bye overtakes me so I tear up right then and there. Now there is just pure joy. My concern over his health, care, and well being which PLAGUED us the entire time he was there before is absolutely gone (it wasn't fictional fears either. Sadly they were legitimate). Can you imagine how this has eased the Daddy's heart of My Marine on yet another deployment whose yet again frustrated at the lack of care and protection he can directly provide for his little love? What a blessing God is letting me be to a Marine and Little Buddy who needed a Bellé-Mere to love them more then they thought they would ever find. 

Who would ever want to leave this guy?

Of course we cannot forget the 'loving those who hate you' part. Without going into too much detail, the obvious person who would be difficult for me to love and who has a very difficult time loving me is Baby Mama. So naturally this is the person God put the most on my heart to learn to love (isn't that how it always works?). It began very very small, me and Little Buddy always pray for Daddy before he goes to sleep but I realized we never do for Mommy. And she needs it just as much, if not more. So I just started adding a prayer for her into mine at night, and Little Buddy would mimic. This was a classic 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario. I was doing it mostly for Buddy's sake, but slowly slowly my heart started changing too. Soon I suppose the nature of my text photos and descriptions of his anecdotes to her began changing because the tone in her responses began changing as well. Responses turned into "Our guy is getting so big!". What? OUR? Are you getting this transformation message from Jesus too about how we are supposed to be on the same team?? What? When phone calls about Little Buddy's well being were done I was genuinely asking her how she was doing, if things were better, how the progress on her goals was going. Truly rooting for her to do well because we are on the same team. We are all a family. I can not tell you how long I have prayed for this. Of course I wasn't taking any action besides praying things would get better, but maybe the timing needed to be right. Maybe I needed it to not be forced from My Marine and needed it to be two Momma's who both love a little guy and a God who pours out his Grace for us. 

I can't help but laugh when everyone is telling me how amazing I am for doing all of this, what a great Bellé-Mere I am, or even that I am crazy and to re-think my life. They can't see that it really isn't me making these decisions or movements in my life. It's me stopping the decision making and crazy selfish plans for myself and allowing God to set my steps for me. Which is always loving more. Serving more. Being more then I ever thought I could be. 

I love his silly tongue here because I am tickling him!
And these pictures hurt my heart at the same time,
I miss that handsome Daddy so so much.

But I cannot do any of this without my community, so please keep us in your prayers. I am dreading the flight there with a little old sedated dog and 3 year old all by myself. I have a HUGE hassle with this beautiful car I love so much but is giving me issues and I need to sell it so I can buy one in MS. I am going to need a brand new community and friends in MS plus patience and grace for a bunch of us living under one roof for these 4 months with My Loves family. And finally, because it's been a rough week and few months I need personal prayer for protection from depression and loneliness. Sadly things I am apt to fall into and things Jesus has healed before for me, but especially under so much stress recently and going into such a different situation I feel I am vulnerable again. Oh plus the fact that my significant other is on a ship who-knows-where and I am lucky to hear from him once a week...that might understandably do something to your heart. 

Love without bounds this week. Even when you are uncomfortable. Or when your child has peed their pants on your way out the door after it took you 30min to even get them dressed in the first place. 

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

How It Feels To Be Alone.

This is going to be tough for me to write, I post a lot about being a Bellé-Mere to our amazing little buddy but often avoid talking about how I am dealing with this deployment personally. With the love of my life just being completely gone for 7-9 months. Even when people ask me outright, I just plaster a half smile on my face and answer truthfully but a memorized "Oh it sucks but we are dealing with it, I still cry at least once a week but we just press on". Yes this is true, but no this is not all of it. And no I can not talk about it anymore than that little line because I will just break down and crumble.

I laugh after I cry in the car a few times a week because I know I seem so strong to everyone. Even My Love continues to tell me I am the strongest woman he knows. I know it seems like I am just busy with working, being a Bellé-Mere, traveling, working out, etc. And yes, yes I am VERY VERY busy doing those things. BUT the only reason, is because as soon as I stop moving. As soon as I am alone in the car with his country music on (or really any song about love, missing someone...which is almost every song unfortunately). As soon as I get into bed and all is quiet. As soon as there is just a small moment...I crumble.

I've been trying to explain how it feels to myself so I could explain it to other people, but its hard. So let us imagine that all of your memories, special moments, those snuggles in bed, long kisses, dances in the bar, holding hands in the car, every single moment with that love is in a box. And the box is almost like hot coals, and you are on top of it tip-toeing and dancing all the time because you cannot stop moving, cannot stop dancing. Otherwise you will sink into the box and burn, sinking deeper and deeper. Pain searing through every part of your chest and body. You will just sink into those memories and emotions, those missed kisses and whispers of love. Then the tears will come, and not just any tears, but sobbing uncontrollable tears. This is not something you can do in front of people whether strangers, family, friends, or your son. Because a hug or kind encouragement makes you succumb to the sadness of those missed memories and love even more. And so you keep tip-toeing, keep on dancing on top of that box... until your song comes on the radio or you are completely alone and can endure the pain of burning for awhile.

To say "I miss him' is also such an understatement. It feels like an entire part of my body is missing and I am just spending the next several months pretending its not, overcompensating for it being gone, and whenever someone mentions to me 'hey what happened to your limb' I pretend I don't know what they are talking about and keep trying to juggle balls with the rest of my limbs.

So that's how I can best describe it.

And sadly because my life is so stressful I have little tolerance for others who try to complain endlessly to me about the tiny issues in their lives. I smile and listen but usually on the inside I am punching you in the face for not realizing just how easy you have it. Did the love of your life come home for 6 months and then suddenly leave again? After 3 of those months are you now a single mother to a 3 year old? Do you get to sleep in past 7am sometimes and enjoy alone time? Did someone tell you they loved you today? Or that you were beautiful? Or give you a kiss or hug? Did you have to move in 30 days notice in with your parents? Do you sleep? Of course sometimes we all need to vent, but the lack of contentment in our American society is absolutely shocking. Even I know I do not have it as 'bad' as many other people in this world. I am trying to be more aware of what kinds of things I let bother me and stress about. I know God brought me here because He knows I can handle it. I continually ask Him to help, rely on the community He's blessed my little family with, and just keep going. I used to be so judgmental of military spouses and families. Why are you such a mess all the time? Well MAYBE its because you are under possibly the most stress individual people can go through in their lives. And any other little thing that happens just sets you off because you've already reached your max.

It's only been 6 weeks but it feels like months. And we have so much longer to go. But we press on knowing God hears us, cares for us, and we trust He has good plans for our life. I cherish the 10 minutes per week I get to gchat with My Love and re-read the 1 email I get until I have it memorized. I continue to thank God for all He is doing for My Love on the ship, for our little buddy and within my own heart. I feel us growing and changing as a family. We are maturing and trusting each other more despite the distance and frustrations. We are military strong.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

And to all of my other military families going through the same thing, I hope this makes you feel heard.
Semper Fi 

The Daddy Doll.

Little Bear's 3rd birthday was quite possibly one of the most humbling experiences we've been through, and thats saying a lot. The amount of gifts he had sent and given to him just left me speechless. Plus the fact that Buddy wasn't even that interested in opening them, he was content to open just one or two per day and then play with what he opened and wouldn't want to open anymore. It took us a week and a very messy living room to even get through them all. I think he has two or more still on the way too. What 3 year old has a heart of such contentment that he refuses to open anymore presents? And what community are we blessed with who pour out love on him to ensure his day is special? Thank you to all of you, he had a wonderful birthday. One to be remembered! More on that soon, for now I want to focus on one of the sweetest presents Daddy and I have been conspiring since well before he left.

The Daddy Doll.

It arrived a few days later, so when Buddy got home from school we sat down just the two of us to open it. I told him Daddy sent it all the way from the boat, Buddy was pretty excited. When he opened it, it was the back of the doll with Daddy's summer cammie print, but Buddy yelled "My Daddy's Work Clothes!"- he knew. When he turned it over his face was almost indescribable. It was the look someone gives to things that are just the most precious to them in the entire world. I guess I could equate it to when a Mother is holding her baby in those early moments. He cradled it in his arms and just kept saying "My Daddy" softly to himself. He hugged it and then would look at it, and do it over and over again.

I wish I had a video, but we were so lost in the moment...

"My Daddy...My Daddy..."

Then he put it on the floor and laid on it like a pillow all happy and silly. I told him to put it in his room and when I went up there later, he'd thrown his normal pillow on the floor and had Daddy laying there like a little pillow.

Now we hug and kiss it every day and night along with changing the countdown and moving Daddy's face on the board. He talks to him, "I love you more Daddy!" and sometimes Daddy even swings around and down the stairs with him "weeeee! Daddy go down the stairs with me!". Today I asked if he'd like to take it to school for sharing time, I am excited to hear how it went from his teacher on Monday. Our shy Little Bear, I wonder if he went through with it.

Daddy in his cubby at school. Oh my heart.

Secretly this Bellé-Mere hugs and kisses that Daddy Doll too. I have a Cammie wearing bear to snuggle with at night that Daddy gave me last time he was gone too. I will say, "I am missing Daddy today", and Little Bear will respond "I miss my Daddy too! We are both missing Daddy!" He is such a happy little Buddy to be going through more then most kids will ever, I am inspired and encouraged by his joy and peace through everything. What a lucky life I get to lead with these fine men in my life.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

Love Across The Oceans.

How do you explain to an almost 3 year old that his beloved Daddy is leaving for a long long time, but he loves him. He will be back. He is loved by an entire community while Daddy is gone. You can attempt to explain, but its tough to do without crying at first. So you borrow some children's books from the library and ask your precious creative friends for their support and help. And this is what they come up with. 

Seriously? How is my friend who made this a real person?

Every evening, Little Bear and I move Daddy's face to another bead, change the number, and sometimes move the boat picture when we know where Daddy is. He moves on the beads away from the boat picture, all the way around and then comes home to us (and our picture on the other side). You can ask Buddy, he will tell you "Daddy be gone a lonnnnng time, go allllll the way around, and then come back to us!" The pictures on the bottom are well loved, I find them crunched in his hands while he's sleeping all the time. We haven't filled the "Send Some Love Box" with stamped envelopes yet, but we have sent Daddy lots of things already.

Deployments are pretty much the worst, especially on the ships when communication is so bad. Buddy will randomly tout a "I miss my Daddy"- but for the most part seems to be doing better at handling things then even me. We like to keep him busy, school all day, weekly visits to the library, park, music in the park, and now soccer lessons!

This Belle-Mere doesn't need help staying busy, she works full time, runs a side business, works out everyday, runs a million errands, stays involved with a church, and pretty much does it all. I am telling you,  Jesus is a miracle worker.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

The Face Of A (Step) Mother.

                              

                              

We are tired. We have bags under our eyes from working all day, then coming home to play in the pool, then staying up late doing laundry and more work. We have mosquito bites all over from late summer nights outdoors. We live amongst children's poop. Its everywhere, all the time. Our hair is either up and out of the way, or covered in chlorine from countless swimming hours (or just up because its dirty). We shave our legs with a child next to us in the shower bathing their toy animals. We rarely have time for makeup.

Our prayers are littered with requests for more sleep, more energy, more patience, more poop in the potty.

We are full of joy. We are the happiest (and most exhausted) we've ever been. We pray because we know we can not do it alone, it is literally impossible. We have become more humble of a person, more joyful, patient, kind, and loving. We are brave enough to tackle seemingly impossible tasks on our own. We are mothers.

I am lucky enough to be able to mother this Little Bear with many other mothers, he has a community of love and support all around him. You have given us such joy Little Bear! I am growing as a person because of you! You are so loved.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

Life Goes On.

I have wanted to write in so long, but it's just been too too much. Even now I am barely finding the time, but my Little Bear is taking a long summer nap induced by swimming, soccer, heat, and fun. However, lets not dwell on the past. New Beginnings!

Most of you know, the reason I have been so absent. The most stressful month of my entire life just barely ended. We were finally getting more settled, finally in a routine with our buddy, finally felt moved in, finally a real family. I have learned, the military life doesn't lend itself much to being settled. Literally the same week I found out I'd gotten the new job I'd been working toward (practically the job of my dreams), we were given 30 days notice of My Love leaving to tour the pacific on a MEU (big helicopter carrier to us non-military!) for 7-9 months. The rest of the team going had been preparing for months, but someone had a serious emergency at the last minute, and 'unfortunately' he's so good at his job he was recommended to go. So here we are...30 days to pack, move back in with my parents, get all of the pre-deployment paperwork and errands done, find a new daycare, end my current job, My Love still had to work a lot of those 30 days too, oh- and try to process all of the emotions and spend time together. It was RIDICULOUS. The best part was 2 days before he had to leave, Buddy came down with a horrible chest infection and gave the virus to both of us too. Literally the same day the boats left, I had to take a little coughing buddy to the doctor. My Love and I are STILL getting over being sick. But we did it, we said good bye. We came the next morning to watch all the boats leave and send love over the bay with the rest of the families and veterans. We cried. But we did it.

The day before Daddy had to board the boat, loading up his stuff 

We had to say good bye the night before the boats left. So hard.

The morning all the boats left, everyones families were at a special spot saying good bye

His Boat!

And now we wait. 

We are all sad, but things continue. Sadly we are used to Daddy being gone, and it's kind of nicer this time around because at least Little Buddy and I have each other to talk to about it and about Daddy. We pray for him every night, and sometimes throughout the day because one of us gets sad. "Where is my Daddy?" he will ask me. "You know where he is, where is Daddy?" I'll reply. "Oh he's on the big boat, he's gonna be gone a lonnng time" he says in the same sing-song voice I remember telling him in. I remind him he can pray if he's sad and misses him and Jesus will help him to feel better, so he does. And I hear snippets of "Jesus" "Daddy", "Boat", "Safe", "Love", and other sweet things amongst the baby chatter I know Jesus understands. The other day he just randomly started praying and when he was done I asked "Were you sad? Is that why you were praying to Jesus" and he said yes. Later he had a tummy ache and also prayed for Jesus to take that away and then said "all better!" hahaha! I love how God speaks to children. The ultimate comforter and lover. I only have so many hugs, kisses, and snuggles I can give- God is the true healer, even of His littlest. 

The best way to handle a deployment? Keeping busy. I started my new job 2 days ago, one of the MANY blessings despite My Love having to leave for so long and so suddenly was that besides 3 odd days, this new job is entirely remote for the first 4 weeks. So far its all really new and can be overwhelming, but being able to stay home and recover from being sick, plus use my lunch breaks to wrap up apartment items, unpack, run errands, tackle our mounds of laundry, etc- has been priceless. Plus the energy I have by the time I go get buddy that wasn't wasted commuting, sitting in an office, being annoyed all day, etc gets to go into us playing ball in the front yard, swimming, and having adventures. All things that help ease this transition. 

So thats our story. Thats where I've been. Every spare moment spent with my family. Preparing while still trying to enjoy the still moments. I miss My Love more then anything, its just been over a week but feels so much longer. The communication is really awful, no skyping and phone calls are rare. He stays up late to get 1 out of 3 computers on the entire boat so I do get the occasional email. Its going to be a long 7-9 months. But we can do it. We will grow because of it. We will continue to learn more about ourselves as individuals, a couple, and a family. We will not just survive during this deployment, we will thrive. We do it because we must. 

xoxo

Belle-Mére