How It Feels To Be Alone.

This is going to be tough for me to write, I post a lot about being a Bellé-Mere to our amazing little buddy but often avoid talking about how I am dealing with this deployment personally. With the love of my life just being completely gone for 7-9 months. Even when people ask me outright, I just plaster a half smile on my face and answer truthfully but a memorized "Oh it sucks but we are dealing with it, I still cry at least once a week but we just press on". Yes this is true, but no this is not all of it. And no I can not talk about it anymore than that little line because I will just break down and crumble.

I laugh after I cry in the car a few times a week because I know I seem so strong to everyone. Even My Love continues to tell me I am the strongest woman he knows. I know it seems like I am just busy with working, being a Bellé-Mere, traveling, working out, etc. And yes, yes I am VERY VERY busy doing those things. BUT the only reason, is because as soon as I stop moving. As soon as I am alone in the car with his country music on (or really any song about love, missing someone...which is almost every song unfortunately). As soon as I get into bed and all is quiet. As soon as there is just a small moment...I crumble.

I've been trying to explain how it feels to myself so I could explain it to other people, but its hard. So let us imagine that all of your memories, special moments, those snuggles in bed, long kisses, dances in the bar, holding hands in the car, every single moment with that love is in a box. And the box is almost like hot coals, and you are on top of it tip-toeing and dancing all the time because you cannot stop moving, cannot stop dancing. Otherwise you will sink into the box and burn, sinking deeper and deeper. Pain searing through every part of your chest and body. You will just sink into those memories and emotions, those missed kisses and whispers of love. Then the tears will come, and not just any tears, but sobbing uncontrollable tears. This is not something you can do in front of people whether strangers, family, friends, or your son. Because a hug or kind encouragement makes you succumb to the sadness of those missed memories and love even more. And so you keep tip-toeing, keep on dancing on top of that box... until your song comes on the radio or you are completely alone and can endure the pain of burning for awhile.

To say "I miss him' is also such an understatement. It feels like an entire part of my body is missing and I am just spending the next several months pretending its not, overcompensating for it being gone, and whenever someone mentions to me 'hey what happened to your limb' I pretend I don't know what they are talking about and keep trying to juggle balls with the rest of my limbs.

So that's how I can best describe it.

And sadly because my life is so stressful I have little tolerance for others who try to complain endlessly to me about the tiny issues in their lives. I smile and listen but usually on the inside I am punching you in the face for not realizing just how easy you have it. Did the love of your life come home for 6 months and then suddenly leave again? After 3 of those months are you now a single mother to a 3 year old? Do you get to sleep in past 7am sometimes and enjoy alone time? Did someone tell you they loved you today? Or that you were beautiful? Or give you a kiss or hug? Did you have to move in 30 days notice in with your parents? Do you sleep? Of course sometimes we all need to vent, but the lack of contentment in our American society is absolutely shocking. Even I know I do not have it as 'bad' as many other people in this world. I am trying to be more aware of what kinds of things I let bother me and stress about. I know God brought me here because He knows I can handle it. I continually ask Him to help, rely on the community He's blessed my little family with, and just keep going. I used to be so judgmental of military spouses and families. Why are you such a mess all the time? Well MAYBE its because you are under possibly the most stress individual people can go through in their lives. And any other little thing that happens just sets you off because you've already reached your max.

It's only been 6 weeks but it feels like months. And we have so much longer to go. But we press on knowing God hears us, cares for us, and we trust He has good plans for our life. I cherish the 10 minutes per week I get to gchat with My Love and re-read the 1 email I get until I have it memorized. I continue to thank God for all He is doing for My Love on the ship, for our little buddy and within my own heart. I feel us growing and changing as a family. We are maturing and trusting each other more despite the distance and frustrations. We are military strong.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

And to all of my other military families going through the same thing, I hope this makes you feel heard.
Semper Fi