How It Feels To Be Alone.

This is going to be tough for me to write, I post a lot about being a Bellé-Mere to our amazing little buddy but often avoid talking about how I am dealing with this deployment personally. With the love of my life just being completely gone for 7-9 months. Even when people ask me outright, I just plaster a half smile on my face and answer truthfully but a memorized "Oh it sucks but we are dealing with it, I still cry at least once a week but we just press on". Yes this is true, but no this is not all of it. And no I can not talk about it anymore than that little line because I will just break down and crumble.

I laugh after I cry in the car a few times a week because I know I seem so strong to everyone. Even My Love continues to tell me I am the strongest woman he knows. I know it seems like I am just busy with working, being a Bellé-Mere, traveling, working out, etc. And yes, yes I am VERY VERY busy doing those things. BUT the only reason, is because as soon as I stop moving. As soon as I am alone in the car with his country music on (or really any song about love, missing someone...which is almost every song unfortunately). As soon as I get into bed and all is quiet. As soon as there is just a small moment...I crumble.

I've been trying to explain how it feels to myself so I could explain it to other people, but its hard. So let us imagine that all of your memories, special moments, those snuggles in bed, long kisses, dances in the bar, holding hands in the car, every single moment with that love is in a box. And the box is almost like hot coals, and you are on top of it tip-toeing and dancing all the time because you cannot stop moving, cannot stop dancing. Otherwise you will sink into the box and burn, sinking deeper and deeper. Pain searing through every part of your chest and body. You will just sink into those memories and emotions, those missed kisses and whispers of love. Then the tears will come, and not just any tears, but sobbing uncontrollable tears. This is not something you can do in front of people whether strangers, family, friends, or your son. Because a hug or kind encouragement makes you succumb to the sadness of those missed memories and love even more. And so you keep tip-toeing, keep on dancing on top of that box... until your song comes on the radio or you are completely alone and can endure the pain of burning for awhile.

To say "I miss him' is also such an understatement. It feels like an entire part of my body is missing and I am just spending the next several months pretending its not, overcompensating for it being gone, and whenever someone mentions to me 'hey what happened to your limb' I pretend I don't know what they are talking about and keep trying to juggle balls with the rest of my limbs.

So that's how I can best describe it.

And sadly because my life is so stressful I have little tolerance for others who try to complain endlessly to me about the tiny issues in their lives. I smile and listen but usually on the inside I am punching you in the face for not realizing just how easy you have it. Did the love of your life come home for 6 months and then suddenly leave again? After 3 of those months are you now a single mother to a 3 year old? Do you get to sleep in past 7am sometimes and enjoy alone time? Did someone tell you they loved you today? Or that you were beautiful? Or give you a kiss or hug? Did you have to move in 30 days notice in with your parents? Do you sleep? Of course sometimes we all need to vent, but the lack of contentment in our American society is absolutely shocking. Even I know I do not have it as 'bad' as many other people in this world. I am trying to be more aware of what kinds of things I let bother me and stress about. I know God brought me here because He knows I can handle it. I continually ask Him to help, rely on the community He's blessed my little family with, and just keep going. I used to be so judgmental of military spouses and families. Why are you such a mess all the time? Well MAYBE its because you are under possibly the most stress individual people can go through in their lives. And any other little thing that happens just sets you off because you've already reached your max.

It's only been 6 weeks but it feels like months. And we have so much longer to go. But we press on knowing God hears us, cares for us, and we trust He has good plans for our life. I cherish the 10 minutes per week I get to gchat with My Love and re-read the 1 email I get until I have it memorized. I continue to thank God for all He is doing for My Love on the ship, for our little buddy and within my own heart. I feel us growing and changing as a family. We are maturing and trusting each other more despite the distance and frustrations. We are military strong.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

And to all of my other military families going through the same thing, I hope this makes you feel heard.
Semper Fi 

The Daddy Doll.

Little Bear's 3rd birthday was quite possibly one of the most humbling experiences we've been through, and thats saying a lot. The amount of gifts he had sent and given to him just left me speechless. Plus the fact that Buddy wasn't even that interested in opening them, he was content to open just one or two per day and then play with what he opened and wouldn't want to open anymore. It took us a week and a very messy living room to even get through them all. I think he has two or more still on the way too. What 3 year old has a heart of such contentment that he refuses to open anymore presents? And what community are we blessed with who pour out love on him to ensure his day is special? Thank you to all of you, he had a wonderful birthday. One to be remembered! More on that soon, for now I want to focus on one of the sweetest presents Daddy and I have been conspiring since well before he left.

The Daddy Doll.

It arrived a few days later, so when Buddy got home from school we sat down just the two of us to open it. I told him Daddy sent it all the way from the boat, Buddy was pretty excited. When he opened it, it was the back of the doll with Daddy's summer cammie print, but Buddy yelled "My Daddy's Work Clothes!"- he knew. When he turned it over his face was almost indescribable. It was the look someone gives to things that are just the most precious to them in the entire world. I guess I could equate it to when a Mother is holding her baby in those early moments. He cradled it in his arms and just kept saying "My Daddy" softly to himself. He hugged it and then would look at it, and do it over and over again.

I wish I had a video, but we were so lost in the moment...

"My Daddy...My Daddy..."

Then he put it on the floor and laid on it like a pillow all happy and silly. I told him to put it in his room and when I went up there later, he'd thrown his normal pillow on the floor and had Daddy laying there like a little pillow.

Now we hug and kiss it every day and night along with changing the countdown and moving Daddy's face on the board. He talks to him, "I love you more Daddy!" and sometimes Daddy even swings around and down the stairs with him "weeeee! Daddy go down the stairs with me!". Today I asked if he'd like to take it to school for sharing time, I am excited to hear how it went from his teacher on Monday. Our shy Little Bear, I wonder if he went through with it.

Daddy in his cubby at school. Oh my heart.

Secretly this Bellé-Mere hugs and kisses that Daddy Doll too. I have a Cammie wearing bear to snuggle with at night that Daddy gave me last time he was gone too. I will say, "I am missing Daddy today", and Little Bear will respond "I miss my Daddy too! We are both missing Daddy!" He is such a happy little Buddy to be going through more then most kids will ever, I am inspired and encouraged by his joy and peace through everything. What a lucky life I get to lead with these fine men in my life.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

Love Across The Oceans.

How do you explain to an almost 3 year old that his beloved Daddy is leaving for a long long time, but he loves him. He will be back. He is loved by an entire community while Daddy is gone. You can attempt to explain, but its tough to do without crying at first. So you borrow some children's books from the library and ask your precious creative friends for their support and help. And this is what they come up with. 

Seriously? How is my friend who made this a real person?

Every evening, Little Bear and I move Daddy's face to another bead, change the number, and sometimes move the boat picture when we know where Daddy is. He moves on the beads away from the boat picture, all the way around and then comes home to us (and our picture on the other side). You can ask Buddy, he will tell you "Daddy be gone a lonnnnng time, go allllll the way around, and then come back to us!" The pictures on the bottom are well loved, I find them crunched in his hands while he's sleeping all the time. We haven't filled the "Send Some Love Box" with stamped envelopes yet, but we have sent Daddy lots of things already.

Deployments are pretty much the worst, especially on the ships when communication is so bad. Buddy will randomly tout a "I miss my Daddy"- but for the most part seems to be doing better at handling things then even me. We like to keep him busy, school all day, weekly visits to the library, park, music in the park, and now soccer lessons!

This Belle-Mere doesn't need help staying busy, she works full time, runs a side business, works out everyday, runs a million errands, stays involved with a church, and pretty much does it all. I am telling you,  Jesus is a miracle worker.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

The Face Of A (Step) Mother.

                              

                              

We are tired. We have bags under our eyes from working all day, then coming home to play in the pool, then staying up late doing laundry and more work. We have mosquito bites all over from late summer nights outdoors. We live amongst children's poop. Its everywhere, all the time. Our hair is either up and out of the way, or covered in chlorine from countless swimming hours (or just up because its dirty). We shave our legs with a child next to us in the shower bathing their toy animals. We rarely have time for makeup.

Our prayers are littered with requests for more sleep, more energy, more patience, more poop in the potty.

We are full of joy. We are the happiest (and most exhausted) we've ever been. We pray because we know we can not do it alone, it is literally impossible. We have become more humble of a person, more joyful, patient, kind, and loving. We are brave enough to tackle seemingly impossible tasks on our own. We are mothers.

I am lucky enough to be able to mother this Little Bear with many other mothers, he has a community of love and support all around him. You have given us such joy Little Bear! I am growing as a person because of you! You are so loved.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

Life Goes On.

I have wanted to write in so long, but it's just been too too much. Even now I am barely finding the time, but my Little Bear is taking a long summer nap induced by swimming, soccer, heat, and fun. However, lets not dwell on the past. New Beginnings!

Most of you know, the reason I have been so absent. The most stressful month of my entire life just barely ended. We were finally getting more settled, finally in a routine with our buddy, finally felt moved in, finally a real family. I have learned, the military life doesn't lend itself much to being settled. Literally the same week I found out I'd gotten the new job I'd been working toward (practically the job of my dreams), we were given 30 days notice of My Love leaving to tour the pacific on a MEU (big helicopter carrier to us non-military!) for 7-9 months. The rest of the team going had been preparing for months, but someone had a serious emergency at the last minute, and 'unfortunately' he's so good at his job he was recommended to go. So here we are...30 days to pack, move back in with my parents, get all of the pre-deployment paperwork and errands done, find a new daycare, end my current job, My Love still had to work a lot of those 30 days too, oh- and try to process all of the emotions and spend time together. It was RIDICULOUS. The best part was 2 days before he had to leave, Buddy came down with a horrible chest infection and gave the virus to both of us too. Literally the same day the boats left, I had to take a little coughing buddy to the doctor. My Love and I are STILL getting over being sick. But we did it, we said good bye. We came the next morning to watch all the boats leave and send love over the bay with the rest of the families and veterans. We cried. But we did it.

The day before Daddy had to board the boat, loading up his stuff 

We had to say good bye the night before the boats left. So hard.

The morning all the boats left, everyones families were at a special spot saying good bye

His Boat!

And now we wait. 

We are all sad, but things continue. Sadly we are used to Daddy being gone, and it's kind of nicer this time around because at least Little Buddy and I have each other to talk to about it and about Daddy. We pray for him every night, and sometimes throughout the day because one of us gets sad. "Where is my Daddy?" he will ask me. "You know where he is, where is Daddy?" I'll reply. "Oh he's on the big boat, he's gonna be gone a lonnng time" he says in the same sing-song voice I remember telling him in. I remind him he can pray if he's sad and misses him and Jesus will help him to feel better, so he does. And I hear snippets of "Jesus" "Daddy", "Boat", "Safe", "Love", and other sweet things amongst the baby chatter I know Jesus understands. The other day he just randomly started praying and when he was done I asked "Were you sad? Is that why you were praying to Jesus" and he said yes. Later he had a tummy ache and also prayed for Jesus to take that away and then said "all better!" hahaha! I love how God speaks to children. The ultimate comforter and lover. I only have so many hugs, kisses, and snuggles I can give- God is the true healer, even of His littlest. 

The best way to handle a deployment? Keeping busy. I started my new job 2 days ago, one of the MANY blessings despite My Love having to leave for so long and so suddenly was that besides 3 odd days, this new job is entirely remote for the first 4 weeks. So far its all really new and can be overwhelming, but being able to stay home and recover from being sick, plus use my lunch breaks to wrap up apartment items, unpack, run errands, tackle our mounds of laundry, etc- has been priceless. Plus the energy I have by the time I go get buddy that wasn't wasted commuting, sitting in an office, being annoyed all day, etc gets to go into us playing ball in the front yard, swimming, and having adventures. All things that help ease this transition. 

So thats our story. Thats where I've been. Every spare moment spent with my family. Preparing while still trying to enjoy the still moments. I miss My Love more then anything, its just been over a week but feels so much longer. The communication is really awful, no skyping and phone calls are rare. He stays up late to get 1 out of 3 computers on the entire boat so I do get the occasional email. Its going to be a long 7-9 months. But we can do it. We will grow because of it. We will continue to learn more about ourselves as individuals, a couple, and a family. We will not just survive during this deployment, we will thrive. We do it because we must. 

xoxo

Belle-Mére

Loved.

My Mommies group challenged us this week to find verses to pray over the loves in our life. We are often challenged to do various things, but this challenge stuck with me. I haven't cracked open a bible in awhile until I started with this group a few weeks ago. I don't always interpret things like everyone else does, but I can't argue with the sweetness of the verses found for My Boys. These will be the verses I pray over them when they leave the house and when I say good night. When they are sad and when they need extra love. For you my loves:

For My Love:
Ephesians 6:13-17
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,which is the word of God.

I felt like Little Bear really needed two verses, the above one for strength to be a little man. But also another one so he will always feel loved and treasured. This is what God gave me, and I teared up when I read it thinking of my sweet little buddy.
Zephaniah 3:17 
17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

xoxo

Belle-Mére

Slow Dancing.

The lessons we have been learning since our Little Bear arrived are endless. If you are about to be a new parent- get ready. As My Love recently said, "I still feel like I am learning more about being a parent everyday." and its so true. Not only do we feel like we are learning more about how to be a good parent...even more patience, more love, more selflessness, etc. But we are also learning more about ourselves just in general.

As many know, before Little Bear arrived I was quite the busy bee. Happy hour after work! Nails done! Dinner with friends! Exercise! Movie with My Love! Museums and going out on the weekends! Travel! My life was kind of nuts really. But I am a bit of a go-getter and love to do things so its always been normal to me. I tried to mentally prepare myself for Little Bears arrival. I KNEW things were going to slow down and change, but I assumed we'd still go out and about to do some small things. OH how I was mistaken. The first two weeks were so tough for me, I was having a wonderful time with my boys but my life just consisted of daycare - hour commute - work - hour commute - daycare - dinner and chores - bed routine - pass out. This was not the life I was ready for. This was not how I planned to live with my family. Not the kind of Belle-Mére I wanted to be. I knew there would be more responsibilities, but where was the FUN part? I was just exhausted and frustrated most of the time. However God told us to "be more patient" and "be more loving". Hence when I began one of my biggest lessons, one I continue to learn almost everyday- The Art of Slowing Down.

Daddy reading his book from when he was little to our Little Bear. Dying.

Not only did Little Bear come from a place where they weren't busy doing activities outside the home very often, but he's going through a HUGE transition. His entire little 2 year old life has been turned upside down and around. Jesus was right to tell me to stick to our new routine for 2 weeks, teach him our way of doing things, teach him he is secure and loved in this place with us. Slowly slowly we began to do more things after work, and more small adventures on the weekends. Nothing for more then 2 hours because he just couldn't handle it, and nothing that took him off his sleeping and eating routine. Gosh was it hard for this Belle-Mére. I felt like I was missing things, in fact I DID miss things with friends, co-workers, and family. My life has completely changed. No more happy hour whenever I want to. No more weekend adventures to go out with friends. But you know what I've found? I'm not really missing anything. Everyone I want to love and grow with are right in my tiny apartment. I am not missing anything if I am loving and serving my own. Plus, things with children are just slower. Simply walking out and getting into the car in the morning is now a 15 minute adventure that involves noting all of the rocks and bugs found. Saying good bye to "Fella" my dog. Running a race down the corridor. Hopping in and out of the car. Getting crackers and juice to eat for on the way to daycare. Getting out the door is just slower now, and I am finally getting used to it. I am finally even, dare I say, liking it? All of the running around I do all day, when I finally get time with My Boys they force me to just stop. And take a 15 minute adventure just to get into the car.

Summer music festivals in the park

I am happy to say all of this slow dancing has changed us all for the better. Our Little Bear turned a major corner yesterday when after daycare on our way home he said, "I don wanna go home". WHAT?! From the kid who spends 45min at the beach and wants to go home? Who cried at the zoo because he wanted to go home after an hour? The kid who wants to play on my phone at a music festival instead of play with bubbles and dance and play with other kids? WHAT?! So I asked if he wanted to go to the farmers market with me, and we had a blast! And last weekend we spent THREE hours at the beach! I want to shout, "its working! its working!" because we are so proud of him. And for this Belle-Mére, she is changing to be someone who stops to have adventures on the way to the car in the morning. Stops frantically cleaning and making dinner to play monsters and hide under the blankets for awhile. And stops bustling enough to enjoy the sweet moments with her precious loves even if it means being cooped up in the little apartment sometimes.

I really do.

See how much you are teaching us Little Bear? You are our precious blessing. This week I loved it when I caught you singing Old MacDonald in your bed and you didn't want to get up. When you see letters anywhere and say, "look! its L-M-N-O-P!". We laugh when you come out in the morning or after a rest in nothing but your diaper and cowboy boots (or crocs). You are so brave when you swim now, jumping off the sides into our arms and swimming from Daddy to me and back. "swim! swim! swim! I swim like a fish!" you say. When you talk to "Fella" all the time in the kind gentle voice you reserve for babies and animals. You showed her your train today and told her allllll about it. Most days you feed her the food you "cooked" and claim she's the one who bought you your cowboy boots. I've never seen remorse like when you accidentally jumped near the baby today in the pool and made her cry, "I made a baby cry? I sorry". I can not talk about how much you love the beach, you ask to go almost everyday and pretend your toys are going to the beach all the time. The water is a bit too cold for you, but the sand and birds keep you pretty busy. When we are being funny you say, "silly goose!" which is what my Momma always used to say to us too. We notice how I have become your comforter and "supplier" of any necessities, while Daddy is your protector and the one you get to giggle and play rough with. These are the roles you've given us, and we are happy to play them. We are so lucky to get to love you.

xoxo

Belle-Mére