Moving to the Country. A Call to Love.

If you look and listen closely. You know that love can be a tricky one. We think it is that sweet little emotion we get when our husbands snuggle and kiss us us or when our kids smile at us and say something hilarious on a cloudy day like "the monkey will fly up and get the sun and bring it back for us!" We sit in this idea that this is what love is, this is what we seek and live for each day, that fun feeling! But sadly, we are so very wrong. And what makes it even harder, is that God continues to call us to love those who hate us. To love when we don't 'feel' like it. And to love 'the least of these'. This is when I get uncomfortable. Its so easy to love My Marine when he is being sweet and snuggly...but its a lot harder when he's driving me absolutely crazy and we just got in a big argument and I want to punch him in the face. It's even hard to love a Little Buddy when it's only 9:00am and we've already had 3 tantrums, bouts of time out, and he just peed his pants on the way OUT THE DOOR to daycare. (twice this week. TWICE). Sorry, don't really feel like loving at those times. I feel like yelling and throwing something at the wall and calling quits on this whole thing. 

But here we are. God has called me to be an above average Bellé-Mere to a 3 year old and wife to a big and tough deployed Marine. Love had better be my middle name. 

So it is in this spirit of love we knew in our hearts what was best for a Little Buddy. My Marine knew from the moment we found out about the deployment, but his attempts at convincing this city girl of the worthwhile in serving a Little Buddy were thrown by the wayside. I am a city girl. And not just any city girl, but a beach side city girl. Even with a Little Buddy I am still a busy little social Bellé-Mere. There was no way I was moving myself to a tiny town in Mississippi for 4 months for a 3 year old who probably wouldn't even remember it. But here we are. God continued to whisper in my ear. Love harder. Love more. Oh you thought that was loving? MORE. I tried to stamp my feet and drag them along screaming "no! no! no!" (whose the 3 year old now?) but he just kept nudging my heart. Love harder. And the great thing about God, is that when you pray and ask for wisdom and perspective he literally CHANGES your heart. Softens and molds it to be able to see things the way He does. 

During this winter custody time, this city SoCal girl will be with Little Buddy staying with My Marine's family in a tiny town in Mississippi. In a house off a dirt road. Surrounded by acres of fields and woods. With horses down the way. And a Baby Mama in town who gets to spend time with her son on the weekends. And He has changed this heart from a crying toddler having a tantrum refusing to go, to a heart excited for the adventure that awaits. For this opportunity to love harder. To be challenged in finding a new community and new ways of doing things. 

Oddly enough, my stress level has gone somewhat down since we made the decision. I have a lot to arrange for the flight with him and my dog, plus selling my car before I go, plus a possible work trip for 2 weeks right before I fly out. But my heart no longer dies when I am snuggling and tickling a Little Buddy and the dread of having to say good-bye overtakes me so I tear up right then and there. Now there is just pure joy. My concern over his health, care, and well being which PLAGUED us the entire time he was there before is absolutely gone (it wasn't fictional fears either. Sadly they were legitimate). Can you imagine how this has eased the Daddy's heart of My Marine on yet another deployment whose yet again frustrated at the lack of care and protection he can directly provide for his little love? What a blessing God is letting me be to a Marine and Little Buddy who needed a Bellé-Mere to love them more then they thought they would ever find. 

Who would ever want to leave this guy?

Of course we cannot forget the 'loving those who hate you' part. Without going into too much detail, the obvious person who would be difficult for me to love and who has a very difficult time loving me is Baby Mama. So naturally this is the person God put the most on my heart to learn to love (isn't that how it always works?). It began very very small, me and Little Buddy always pray for Daddy before he goes to sleep but I realized we never do for Mommy. And she needs it just as much, if not more. So I just started adding a prayer for her into mine at night, and Little Buddy would mimic. This was a classic 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario. I was doing it mostly for Buddy's sake, but slowly slowly my heart started changing too. Soon I suppose the nature of my text photos and descriptions of his anecdotes to her began changing because the tone in her responses began changing as well. Responses turned into "Our guy is getting so big!". What? OUR? Are you getting this transformation message from Jesus too about how we are supposed to be on the same team?? What? When phone calls about Little Buddy's well being were done I was genuinely asking her how she was doing, if things were better, how the progress on her goals was going. Truly rooting for her to do well because we are on the same team. We are all a family. I can not tell you how long I have prayed for this. Of course I wasn't taking any action besides praying things would get better, but maybe the timing needed to be right. Maybe I needed it to not be forced from My Marine and needed it to be two Momma's who both love a little guy and a God who pours out his Grace for us. 

I can't help but laugh when everyone is telling me how amazing I am for doing all of this, what a great Bellé-Mere I am, or even that I am crazy and to re-think my life. They can't see that it really isn't me making these decisions or movements in my life. It's me stopping the decision making and crazy selfish plans for myself and allowing God to set my steps for me. Which is always loving more. Serving more. Being more then I ever thought I could be. 

I love his silly tongue here because I am tickling him!
And these pictures hurt my heart at the same time,
I miss that handsome Daddy so so much.

But I cannot do any of this without my community, so please keep us in your prayers. I am dreading the flight there with a little old sedated dog and 3 year old all by myself. I have a HUGE hassle with this beautiful car I love so much but is giving me issues and I need to sell it so I can buy one in MS. I am going to need a brand new community and friends in MS plus patience and grace for a bunch of us living under one roof for these 4 months with My Loves family. And finally, because it's been a rough week and few months I need personal prayer for protection from depression and loneliness. Sadly things I am apt to fall into and things Jesus has healed before for me, but especially under so much stress recently and going into such a different situation I feel I am vulnerable again. Oh plus the fact that my significant other is on a ship who-knows-where and I am lucky to hear from him once a week...that might understandably do something to your heart. 

Love without bounds this week. Even when you are uncomfortable. Or when your child has peed their pants on your way out the door after it took you 30min to even get them dressed in the first place. 

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

How It Feels To Be Alone.

This is going to be tough for me to write, I post a lot about being a Bellé-Mere to our amazing little buddy but often avoid talking about how I am dealing with this deployment personally. With the love of my life just being completely gone for 7-9 months. Even when people ask me outright, I just plaster a half smile on my face and answer truthfully but a memorized "Oh it sucks but we are dealing with it, I still cry at least once a week but we just press on". Yes this is true, but no this is not all of it. And no I can not talk about it anymore than that little line because I will just break down and crumble.

I laugh after I cry in the car a few times a week because I know I seem so strong to everyone. Even My Love continues to tell me I am the strongest woman he knows. I know it seems like I am just busy with working, being a Bellé-Mere, traveling, working out, etc. And yes, yes I am VERY VERY busy doing those things. BUT the only reason, is because as soon as I stop moving. As soon as I am alone in the car with his country music on (or really any song about love, missing someone...which is almost every song unfortunately). As soon as I get into bed and all is quiet. As soon as there is just a small moment...I crumble.

I've been trying to explain how it feels to myself so I could explain it to other people, but its hard. So let us imagine that all of your memories, special moments, those snuggles in bed, long kisses, dances in the bar, holding hands in the car, every single moment with that love is in a box. And the box is almost like hot coals, and you are on top of it tip-toeing and dancing all the time because you cannot stop moving, cannot stop dancing. Otherwise you will sink into the box and burn, sinking deeper and deeper. Pain searing through every part of your chest and body. You will just sink into those memories and emotions, those missed kisses and whispers of love. Then the tears will come, and not just any tears, but sobbing uncontrollable tears. This is not something you can do in front of people whether strangers, family, friends, or your son. Because a hug or kind encouragement makes you succumb to the sadness of those missed memories and love even more. And so you keep tip-toeing, keep on dancing on top of that box... until your song comes on the radio or you are completely alone and can endure the pain of burning for awhile.

To say "I miss him' is also such an understatement. It feels like an entire part of my body is missing and I am just spending the next several months pretending its not, overcompensating for it being gone, and whenever someone mentions to me 'hey what happened to your limb' I pretend I don't know what they are talking about and keep trying to juggle balls with the rest of my limbs.

So that's how I can best describe it.

And sadly because my life is so stressful I have little tolerance for others who try to complain endlessly to me about the tiny issues in their lives. I smile and listen but usually on the inside I am punching you in the face for not realizing just how easy you have it. Did the love of your life come home for 6 months and then suddenly leave again? After 3 of those months are you now a single mother to a 3 year old? Do you get to sleep in past 7am sometimes and enjoy alone time? Did someone tell you they loved you today? Or that you were beautiful? Or give you a kiss or hug? Did you have to move in 30 days notice in with your parents? Do you sleep? Of course sometimes we all need to vent, but the lack of contentment in our American society is absolutely shocking. Even I know I do not have it as 'bad' as many other people in this world. I am trying to be more aware of what kinds of things I let bother me and stress about. I know God brought me here because He knows I can handle it. I continually ask Him to help, rely on the community He's blessed my little family with, and just keep going. I used to be so judgmental of military spouses and families. Why are you such a mess all the time? Well MAYBE its because you are under possibly the most stress individual people can go through in their lives. And any other little thing that happens just sets you off because you've already reached your max.

It's only been 6 weeks but it feels like months. And we have so much longer to go. But we press on knowing God hears us, cares for us, and we trust He has good plans for our life. I cherish the 10 minutes per week I get to gchat with My Love and re-read the 1 email I get until I have it memorized. I continue to thank God for all He is doing for My Love on the ship, for our little buddy and within my own heart. I feel us growing and changing as a family. We are maturing and trusting each other more despite the distance and frustrations. We are military strong.

xoxo

Bellé-Mere

And to all of my other military families going through the same thing, I hope this makes you feel heard.
Semper Fi