Moving to the Country. A Call to Love.

If you look and listen closely. You know that love can be a tricky one. We think it is that sweet little emotion we get when our husbands snuggle and kiss us us or when our kids smile at us and say something hilarious on a cloudy day like "the monkey will fly up and get the sun and bring it back for us!" We sit in this idea that this is what love is, this is what we seek and live for each day, that fun feeling! But sadly, we are so very wrong. And what makes it even harder, is that God continues to call us to love those who hate us. To love when we don't 'feel' like it. And to love 'the least of these'. This is when I get uncomfortable. Its so easy to love My Marine when he is being sweet and snuggly...but its a lot harder when he's driving me absolutely crazy and we just got in a big argument and I want to punch him in the face. It's even hard to love a Little Buddy when it's only 9:00am and we've already had 3 tantrums, bouts of time out, and he just peed his pants on the way OUT THE DOOR to daycare. (twice this week. TWICE). Sorry, don't really feel like loving at those times. I feel like yelling and throwing something at the wall and calling quits on this whole thing. 

But here we are. God has called me to be an above average Bellé-Mere to a 3 year old and wife to a big and tough deployed Marine. Love had better be my middle name. 

So it is in this spirit of love we knew in our hearts what was best for a Little Buddy. My Marine knew from the moment we found out about the deployment, but his attempts at convincing this city girl of the worthwhile in serving a Little Buddy were thrown by the wayside. I am a city girl. And not just any city girl, but a beach side city girl. Even with a Little Buddy I am still a busy little social Bellé-Mere. There was no way I was moving myself to a tiny town in Mississippi for 4 months for a 3 year old who probably wouldn't even remember it. But here we are. God continued to whisper in my ear. Love harder. Love more. Oh you thought that was loving? MORE. I tried to stamp my feet and drag them along screaming "no! no! no!" (whose the 3 year old now?) but he just kept nudging my heart. Love harder. And the great thing about God, is that when you pray and ask for wisdom and perspective he literally CHANGES your heart. Softens and molds it to be able to see things the way He does. 

During this winter custody time, this city SoCal girl will be with Little Buddy staying with My Marine's family in a tiny town in Mississippi. In a house off a dirt road. Surrounded by acres of fields and woods. With horses down the way. And a Baby Mama in town who gets to spend time with her son on the weekends. And He has changed this heart from a crying toddler having a tantrum refusing to go, to a heart excited for the adventure that awaits. For this opportunity to love harder. To be challenged in finding a new community and new ways of doing things. 

Oddly enough, my stress level has gone somewhat down since we made the decision. I have a lot to arrange for the flight with him and my dog, plus selling my car before I go, plus a possible work trip for 2 weeks right before I fly out. But my heart no longer dies when I am snuggling and tickling a Little Buddy and the dread of having to say good-bye overtakes me so I tear up right then and there. Now there is just pure joy. My concern over his health, care, and well being which PLAGUED us the entire time he was there before is absolutely gone (it wasn't fictional fears either. Sadly they were legitimate). Can you imagine how this has eased the Daddy's heart of My Marine on yet another deployment whose yet again frustrated at the lack of care and protection he can directly provide for his little love? What a blessing God is letting me be to a Marine and Little Buddy who needed a Bellé-Mere to love them more then they thought they would ever find. 

Who would ever want to leave this guy?

Of course we cannot forget the 'loving those who hate you' part. Without going into too much detail, the obvious person who would be difficult for me to love and who has a very difficult time loving me is Baby Mama. So naturally this is the person God put the most on my heart to learn to love (isn't that how it always works?). It began very very small, me and Little Buddy always pray for Daddy before he goes to sleep but I realized we never do for Mommy. And she needs it just as much, if not more. So I just started adding a prayer for her into mine at night, and Little Buddy would mimic. This was a classic 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario. I was doing it mostly for Buddy's sake, but slowly slowly my heart started changing too. Soon I suppose the nature of my text photos and descriptions of his anecdotes to her began changing because the tone in her responses began changing as well. Responses turned into "Our guy is getting so big!". What? OUR? Are you getting this transformation message from Jesus too about how we are supposed to be on the same team?? What? When phone calls about Little Buddy's well being were done I was genuinely asking her how she was doing, if things were better, how the progress on her goals was going. Truly rooting for her to do well because we are on the same team. We are all a family. I can not tell you how long I have prayed for this. Of course I wasn't taking any action besides praying things would get better, but maybe the timing needed to be right. Maybe I needed it to not be forced from My Marine and needed it to be two Momma's who both love a little guy and a God who pours out his Grace for us. 

I can't help but laugh when everyone is telling me how amazing I am for doing all of this, what a great Bellé-Mere I am, or even that I am crazy and to re-think my life. They can't see that it really isn't me making these decisions or movements in my life. It's me stopping the decision making and crazy selfish plans for myself and allowing God to set my steps for me. Which is always loving more. Serving more. Being more then I ever thought I could be. 

I love his silly tongue here because I am tickling him!
And these pictures hurt my heart at the same time,
I miss that handsome Daddy so so much.

But I cannot do any of this without my community, so please keep us in your prayers. I am dreading the flight there with a little old sedated dog and 3 year old all by myself. I have a HUGE hassle with this beautiful car I love so much but is giving me issues and I need to sell it so I can buy one in MS. I am going to need a brand new community and friends in MS plus patience and grace for a bunch of us living under one roof for these 4 months with My Loves family. And finally, because it's been a rough week and few months I need personal prayer for protection from depression and loneliness. Sadly things I am apt to fall into and things Jesus has healed before for me, but especially under so much stress recently and going into such a different situation I feel I am vulnerable again. Oh plus the fact that my significant other is on a ship who-knows-where and I am lucky to hear from him once a week...that might understandably do something to your heart. 

Love without bounds this week. Even when you are uncomfortable. Or when your child has peed their pants on your way out the door after it took you 30min to even get them dressed in the first place. 

xoxo

Bellé-Mere