For He Has Heard My Cry For Mercy.

I am loved. I am cared for. 

Children are much more complicated then we imagine them to be. Especially ones who have been through many caregivers (not all of them optimal), moved around too much, and without a parents consistent love. These are the precious jewels who often need an extra hug and kiss, even when it seems that all they want to do is kick and scream.

I've tried to make it very clear to my Little Bear even before we left for our country adventure, that I was NOT leaving him and that we would always be together. However, as the trip loomed closer he started acting out more. I continued to remind him "I am not leaving you baby, we are going together, we will always be together" even when it didn't seem like he needed to hear it, I knew his heart was having a hard time sorting everything out. Change has always meant his caregivers and sense of security being ruptured, change rarely meant something positive.

We've been here only a few days and I've only left him to spend a few hours twice with his birth mother and assured him over and over again I would be back to get him later. Even when I was working from home downstairs this week he would ask intermittently throughout the day "Where is my Mommy?" and want to come see me and show me something or get a snuggle. At Thanksgiving surrounded by family, his cousin and best friend, but also a lot of strangers he would start panicking and looking around asking Nana "Where is my Mommy?" until she would bring him to me for a hug and kiss. When I see this I am sad for his tender heart, but also joyful to see some secure attachment is slowly forming.

Today was no different, but it made this Momma weep. I went to run errands for a few hours and take a Mommy break, I returned and he was perfectly fine until it was time for bed. Usually he has a big fuss about it being bed time, but this time was different. He was fighting me even putting on his pajamas until finally with his shirt half off I just put him in time out on the steps to calm down. This always works, he usually calms right down after a few minutes and we finish our bed time routine. Not today. Today he was screaming through gritted teeth for what felt like forever and as I calmed down (Momma's get angry too) I could feel Jesus whispering in my ear "This is not your baby. This is not like him. He needs to be loved. Go to him. Love Harder". So I ever so slowly went to sit by him, he just looked over at me and kept on crying and screaming through gritted teeth but didn't hit, just looked so sadly at me. I pulled him onto my lap and wrapped my arms all around his little body and rocked from side to side whispering "Shhhhhh. Calm down baby. It's ok. Shhhhhh...". It took a good 5 minutes of this for him to relax in my arms, I saw his eye lids getting heavy, his screams softening until they were merely a breath. The last thing I said to him before he nodded off to sleep in my arms with tears streaming down my face was "Momma's never going to leave you baby. We'll always be together". 

For those of you who still think I'm 'crazy' for moving with my baby to the south for the winter so he can spend his custody days with his birth mother, now you see why. Why a tender little boy needs a consistent Momma as well as time with his birth Mommy, and why sometimes we do things we didn't think we wanted to do but God gives us the strength and heart to do them anyway.

I never imagined I would actually ENJOY this week of co-sleeping. And how tender it's been for this little love to be able to find me with his precious hands in the night, snuggle up close when he's cold, and wake up with a 'good morning' kiss and hug for me. I laugh every time I get in bed with these two cuddle bugs. Half because of how crazy it is and half because I am ridiculous for loving it!

xoxo

Belle-Mére